The Silent Partners of Domestic Violence

The month of October has been designated “ Domestic Violence Awareness Month”. In the past the words ‘domestic violence’ normally conjured up visions of some irate husband coming home and, not finding his dinner on the table, beats his wife.

Not so today. Like everything else in life, domestic violence, has evolved to become a social disease that involves us all. It can take the form described above or it may be the reverse – a wife abusing a gentle husband. It also takes the form of one or more parents abusing the children in the family.

The abuse itself takes many forms. It can be physical, emotional or sexual. The media normally reports the statistics on a daily basis. A day does not pass by without some story of a spurned lover or husband beating, maiming or killing his lost love. Some wife, girlfriend or mother running away to escape abuse. Distraught fathers and mothers hurting and even killing their children.

Most of this abuse is re-active. It comes from within and feeds our flight or fight instincts. It is not necessarily unintentional – sometimes it is just a way of getting back at those who hurt us. Even in the instances when it is intentional – as in the case of most sexual abuse cases of children- it is the perpetrator’s way of getting back at some perceived wrong that has been done to them in the past. The manner in which these people choose to extract their vengeance is often a reflection of how out of control they are.

In the cases of husbands abusing their wives and even their children it may be their way of venting their feelings of being trapped in a marriage with family responsibilities for which they are ill-equipped. It may be that in their own childhood they have had no preparatory training for what is required to become a father and husband. Maybe the examples of their own parents leave very much to be desired.

Similarly, wives and mothers fail their families in much the same way. The feeling of being trapped in a loveless marriage or the overwhelming burden of raising children – many a time without the support of a loving husband- can be enough to send a woman close to the edge.

Many a time substance abuse plays a huge role in the life of an abuser. In an effort to numb whatever internal pain a person may be suffering, he/she resorts to alcohol and drugs. The result being of course that their judgment becomes impaired, leaving them with a warped sense of reality. Many a time the abuser is unaware of the severity of their actions and in the sober light of day, is remorseful. The harm is already done by that time of course and they may wake up to the fact that the have irrevocably damaged or killed one or more loved ones.

This is not to say that all abuse is unintentional. Sad to say that there are those among us who deliberately set out to harm others. But even in those cases, there is an ignorance of some sort at work. Maybe they just do not know any better. We all know that history repeats itself. A child reared in an abusive home without intervention, inevitably becomes an abuser in later life. It is the circle of life.

How then do we solve this human crisis. There is only one way that comes to mind. “Intervention”. It is the only answer. When you are trapped in quicksand, there is no way that you can pull yourself to safety unless someone passes by and extends a helping hand. In this same manner when you are in an abusive relationship or you yourself are an abuser, many a time you are unable to extract yourself from it. You remember the old adage of “not being able to see the tree for the forest?” Works the same way.

In an abusive situation you cannot think beyond the immediate moment. You are always on edge, wondering what the next moment will bring. Thoughts of escape leave you shaking with fright. I should know. I survived one for six long years. The intervention of my family saved me.

Many of us see the effects of abuse in our friends and neighbors. In this community of immigrants where life can be very hard at times, we see the evidence. What do we do? Do we continue to turn a blind eye and become silent partners to domestic violence? Or do stand up and say something.

I choose to be the one to say something. Never mind that in the process you may loose a friend or two, it is more than worth it if you can save at least one life. Especially if that life is a child’s.

By Ali